I want to uncover myself. I want to unleash something within myself. I want it to be freed all at once, because I’m inpatient, and I feel like it will be a relief. I’m finding so far that it’s not that easy or that quick. I wanted my expression of myself to flow freely from me, but it feels like a leaky faucet with a slow dribble. That’s what my writing is, a slow dribble. I don’t really care if I sound especially smart or profound or insightful, I would love to sound like all those things, but that’s not even the goal. I just want to sound like me. I want to read what I’ve written and feel certain that I wrote it. I want to read what I’ve wrote and be able to hear my own voice in my head. Not the narrative that plays in my head that’s a cumulative regurgitation of others.
Finding my own voice is harder than I thought. I know it takes vulnerability. I’m convinced that’s the fuel for self-discovery, but I want to wield its power. That may be wishful thinking or just completely the wrong perspective of how it works. I want to control it buy maybe I need to let go on control. I want to harness and direct the energy, but I also want it to flow freely. Now that I’m saying it, I realize they are contradictive actions.
I want to get personal with myself. I want to express myself to others during the limited time on this earth. I would go as far as to say that may be my only goal; to fully experience what it feels like to know my own voice so I can share it. I think that I will not regret if I can do this.